I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
