i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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