If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
