Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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