Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
