i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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