i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
