Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
