i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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