i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
