I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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