Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
