I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
