I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
