i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
