Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
