i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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