my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
