im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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