If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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