The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
