She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
