As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How naked do you want me to be?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
