i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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