I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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