he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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