imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
