I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
