If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
