Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
