he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
