Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
