I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
