i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
