I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
how does that bad decision feel?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
