so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the liver wants what the liver wants
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
