Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
