one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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