I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
