We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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