my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
