highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
