woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
