Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
