What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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