I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He passed out mid-signature
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
