I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
