In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
