I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
