It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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